Harder Than I Thought

After a long, long, drive in horrible traffic, 11 hours total, when it should have been 9, I arrive in Tuolumne Meadows under gray, steely light.      Pieces of granite shine in the light of the setting sun.  I think to stop and take a photo, but press on, stopping to only clean out the food garbage from my car at the store and grab a banana and an apple for dinner.  I can't find a place to park. Not one spot.   I eventually do at the end of the dirt road that leads to the trail to Soda Springs.  It's deserted.  Just the kind of place solo women should avoid.  Near a highway and no people.  I hike into the backpackers camp under a sprinkle.   I know this place.   The camp is full, but some young guys say I can camp near their spot. I fumble with the new tent.  I should have practiced. I feel ridiculous.   I drop clothes in the dirt.   Then my hat.  I've never done this alone before.  My hands shake.  I feel warm.  Anxiety.  A panic attack sinks its claws in.  What am I doing?

Sleeping.  I'm getting ready to sleep.  I ignore the monster causing my heart to race and my head to spin and he leaves.  I'm no fun.  I don't let him really bother me anymore.  People stomp by.  I'm really questioning my ability to do this solo thing though.   I think I bit off more than I can chew.  

Voices from a campfire fill my thoughts and it reminds me of when I was a kid and my parents had friends over and I was sent to bed.  Good night.